October 13th Brings 13 (Lucky, Hardworking) Years

October is a hard month.

Each year it brings me more perspective and October is always one of the more reflective times of the year for me, but it doesn’t make it less hard. I’ve always loved October, the beginning of fall, and Halloween… but it took on a different meaning 13 years ago. Hard things come up unscheduled, on top of each other, and when we least expect it… and life keeps moving, ready or not. As I continue to grow on my journey, I think that’s the lesson. We have to do hard things sometimes when we don’t want to, but there are lessons behind them that we cannot even dream of knowing today – we just have to keep working through them.

I woke up today on October 13th, 2019 alone. I’m alone in my house, but at the same time, not at all lonely. I’m grateful for the fullness of my life. I thought about the day 13 years ago that changed my life and I cried for that scared young girl who thought she could do it on her own. I cried for the woman today waking up in her bed who thinks she needs to do it on her own. And, I cried for the future woman, my future self, who can’t imagine doing it on her own.

Making Peace With Your Body BEFORE Pregnancy

This topic has been on my mind for a long time now… My relationship with my body has been on my mind for years (years!) before today, and even months before trying to get pregnant, one of my main concerns was about how a (daily) changing body in pregnancy would affect me.

And today, over five months pregnant, this growing body I have amazes me, but in the background, there is a fear I haven’t heard in a long, long time. And, it has a response.

I’m in eating disorder recovery and many people ask if I feel “recover-ed,” like it’s the end of it forever. And, I always say no. Because I’ve relapsed before. And because I’m still having these thoughts. I don’t act on them anymore, but that the thoughts are still around regularly, I can’t say they’ll ever truly go away.

NEDA Week – Freedom Outweighs Comparison

It’s National Eating Disorders Awareness (NEDA) week with the theme Come as you are… not as you think you should be. The NEDA website says that the theme was intended to improve inclusivity among eating disorders and sharing one’s story should allow people to know that their own “experiences are valid and welcome, no matter where they are in relation to food or their bodies.”

This got me thinking about the broader picture. For instance, there is a large population of people who don’t necessarily identify with having an eating disorder, per se, or have not been diagnosed with one, but rather, they have a strained relationship with food, their body, the beliefs they carry and the behaviors they partake in because of it. Hey – it’s not your fault, it’s the society we live in.

Planning Ahead to Stay On Track

Over the years, my relationship with food has undoubtedly changed. Not only have I changed my relationship, but I’ve tuned into how I feel before and after eating certain foods, I’ve learned what foods to eat so I feel energized, how to plan and cook my favorite meals, and I have learned to be more flexible in my eating.

That’s great until… now I’m traveling three weekends each month, so what do I do now?

You’ve probably heard the term “Fail to plan and you’re planning to fail.” Well, I think we think about staying on track with one’s diet and exercise plan. We think about meal planning in neatly packaged Tupperware containers and laying our clothes out the night before a morning run.

But, for me, I know what happens when I don’t eat for a long period of time. I feel fatigued, distracted, and sure, a little cranky. I know that once I find food, I’m very hungry and will be happy to devour whatever I can find. That’s okay, except after that, I feel very full and sleepy once again.

Three Steps to A Better Body Relationship

There is a lot of hype these days around “Self Love” and “Body Love” or “Body Positivity.” They’re buzzwords that we crave but most of us feel confused on how others seem to just have it when we often don’t know what it feels like.

Just love yourself. Whatever you look like, that’s enough. It’s who you are inside that counts.

It’s easy to say. It’s easy for me to say as a white woman with a socially accepted body. We know it’s not easy for everyone to believe, but isn’t it safe to assume a skinny person might love him- or herself more than someone stigmatized and overweight? Yep.